Jokes Aswell

[SteveH]

A Young girl Returns home from School and ask`s her Father while He is Eating "Papa,can a Prostitute have a Child" to which he Replies "Ask your Mother",so the Girl asks her Mother the same question and She answers "Of Course,she is Female".The young girl then asks "If a Prostitute has a Female Child,Could she also become a Prostitute?",her Mother Replies "Yes that is Possible",The young girl then asks "But what if the Prostitute has Male Child,A Boy??",Upon hearing that Question,the Young Girl`s Father slams his Knife and Fork down and Shout`s out "He will Probably Become a Borispol Taxi Driver!!"

[Carlushika]

A man is naked with his lover in her kitchen when they hear her husband coming home earlier than usual. His lover quickly grabs a grabage bag and runs to meet her husband in the hall, saying:
"Darling, I am just out of the shower. Please take out the garbage while you are still dressed."
The husband dutifully agrees and while he is away, the man sneaks down the stairs and leaves the building unnoticed, marvelling at how smart his lover is for thinking so quickly.
When he arrives home, he opens the front door and is in the process of removing his coat and hanging it up when his wife enters the hall with a garbage bag and says:
"Darling, I am just out of the shower. Please take out the garbage while you are still dressed."
He takes the bag and goes out, marvelling at how stupid his wife is because she's home all day and hasn't found the time to take out the garbage.

[SteveH]

A Newlywed Couple are in Bed on Their Honeymoon,when the Man asks his Wife to tell Him a Secret about Her,that He Never Knew about,before their marriage.
Patricia Replies "Well some Years ago i used to be a Hooker", Her Husband Enquires for Her to tell him More ,Expecting some Erotic Stories!!, so she says in her Husky Voice "Well before my Operation,my Name was Patrick and i Played Rugby for London Irish!!".

[JonathanCampion]

A drunk is eating seeds on the steps outside his building. He drops one on the floor - so, not being completely sober (it is almost 9.30 after all) - he yells at it "come back". The seed just lies there. He shouts even louder, more angrily: "come back!", but still the seed is motionless.

The drunk loses his temper - throws all of his seeds on the ground and growls "OK boys - bring him back!"

[SteveH]

 
 
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
 
 
 
 

[SteveH]

“I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'”

[SteveH]

This One`s for You "rjm"

An American on holiday in Scotland.
Hotel goes on fire and he ends up in hospital badly asphyxiated for two weeks.
The general manager of the hospital, worried at receiving bad publicity, approaches him as he is preparing to leave and asks him how he found his stay.

"Great", says the American "The doctors were wonderful and the nurses looked after me very very well. My only complaint would be the grub".

"What do you mean?" asks the manager.

"Well" says the American "Don`t you think it`s a bit much getting Haggis for breakfast, Haggis for Lunch and Haggis for Supper?".

"Well what did you expect to get in the Burns ward!!", answers the manager.

[SteveH]

I know a fella who's a Heart Surgeon
He called a Plumber out to do some work
He Was there 1/2 an hour and charged £150 quid 
""That's £300 an hour - I'm a Heart Surgeon and I don't get paid that much," says the fella
"No," says the Plumber, "Neither did I when I was a Heart Surgeon."

[SteveH]

Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of Aragon was bitten by a mad dog.
Tourist: Tudor?
Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did.
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I used to dress off the peg, but now my neighbours take in their washing at night.
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A Woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner,
"when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the Female owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"

"Because that's my Husband."
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Railway Porter (cheerfully) - Missed the train, did we Sir?
Passenger - No, I didn't like the look of it, so I chased it out of the station!!.

[SteveH]

The Worst Age - A Joke
 
"Sixty is the worse age to be," said the 60-year-old man.
 "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old.
 "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, and sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse , no problem at all."

"So do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
 

[Vera]

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

                       
Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[SteveH]

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman had dinner together.
 When the waiter came with the bill, the Scotsman promptly said he would take it.
The next day the newspaper carried a headline:
"English Ventriloquist Murdered In Restaurant."

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Wee Hughie was so much troubled with his tooth that he decided to have it extracted.
"How much will it cost ?" he asked.
"£50," replied the dentist.
"Isn't that a lot for only a few minutes work?" asked Wee Hughie.
"Well, I can pull it slowly if you like." said the dentist.
"Look," said Wee Hughie,
 "here's £5. Just loosen it a little."

[Florian]

Live from a Ukrainian hospital:

A patient is being carried around the hospital on a stretcher by two nurses
He asks:"Nurse, can you please tell me where we are going?"
Nurse answers: "To the morgue."
Patient: "But I am not dead yet!!"
Nurse: "We haven't arrived yet".

(Sorry if I copied this from someone, I read this joke somewhere and just found it hilarious)

[SteveH]

Three men were sitting together in a Cafe in Kiev, bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Livov. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house.
He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.


The second man had married a woman from Odessa. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better.
By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married a woman from Donetsk. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed, And this was all her responsibility.
He said the first day he didn’t see anything and the second day he didn’t see anything.
But by the Third Day,
 
Some of the Swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of His Left Eye.

[SteveH]

Restaurants and Food
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My uncle went to a restaurant, and there was this Waitress Scratching Herself.
 He said, 'Tell me have you got Eczema?'
She said, 'Not if it's not on the menu.'

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Two guys go into a small diner for breakfast,
the Waitress comes up and asks for their order.
 "I'll have two eggs over easy, toast, and juice." the first man says.
"And I'll have two eggs scrambled, toast, and juice in a clean glass" says the other.
 The Waitress comes some time later and asks "...now who gets the clean glass?"

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Waiter, waiter, this food is terrible.
Bring me the Manager.
I'm sorry, Sir.
He won't eat it either.

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Waiter, waiter, you're not fit to Serve a Pig.
I'm Trying my best, Sir.

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Diner.
'This piece of Cod isn't nearly so nice as the piece I had here a few weeks ago.'

Absent minded Waiter.
'It ought to be sir, it's from the Same Fish!.'

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I went to a restaurant that was so Expensive that they didn't have prices on the menu -
Just little faces with varying Expressions of Horror.

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